5/9/2003

The kiss
their first
comes late
in the movie
the embrace
awkward
and tentative
each
finding a way
carefully
to the other
she
a star already
he
a newcomer
just learning
that shyness
is a way of being
in the public eye.
She knows
from experience
success
is no protection
from predators
using affection
to get what they want.
They
pull one another close
attending to desire
having decided
after
putting their trust
in caution
this is what they want.
Their eyes close
as
their lips meet
seeking the person
inside the skin
they are drawn to.
Soundlessly
their bodies ease free
of defenses
entering slowly
into the kiss
the pleasure of it
relief from
fear and grief
success and failure
what preceded
coming together
in this moment
whose future they accept
being unsure of.

5/8/2003

Your feet
are cold
but
that will pass.
It is the sitting
quietly
in unseasonable weather
knowing
the time to act
is near
though
not yet here
and
every vital sign
indicates
you are ready
that there is
no turning back
once
you have begun
nor
any reason
to want such
a reversal of fortune
except
old habits that
go down hard
even when
their time has come
and
kicking screaming
will not change
what is
over and done.
Still
there is the waiting
and
the sitting tight
while
thoughts and feelings
parading their wares
pay a visit
welcome or not
until
the weather changes
bringing
freedom of movement
and
the warmth that
comes with it.

5/7/2003

In
the big picture
everything
is unfolding
as it should
so
if we fail ourselves
going down at last
that is
what is best
for all concerned.
A little planning
however
seems like
a good thing
no
idealistic notions
just
a couple of ideas
about
what it would take
to subvert our predilection
for making choices
like
putting a gun
to our head
and
squeezing the trigger
to see if
it is a loaded
or
empty chamber
an interesting experiment
but
with limitations
for follow-up.
I do not want
to sound
like
a spoil sport
but
my wounds
have yet to heal
so
I can’t help shouting
my kingdom for
a good decision
in lieu of
another helping
of
something cultivated in
exaggerated desire.
Is anyone listening
or
am I
on my own
a society of one
who wants
to live on
not
in splendor
but
well enough to savor
some of the good
life has to offer
not at
someone else’s expense
but because
I have decided
even
a society of one
has rights
that need to be
exercised
before they expire.

5/6/2003

You know
it is a hard night
when things
beneath the surface
swim like sperm
making their way
from Chicago
to San Francisco
focused
no second thoughts
on conception
at all cost.
Waking
having spent the night
in
a labor camp
you wonder how
you are going to
get through the day
with
a low grade headache
that makes
even getting out of bed
a pain in the ass.

5/4/2003

A good spanking
said his mother proudly
and
a moment of glory
years later
not ecstatic
but euphoric
then
it was over
time for
the real work
to be undertaken
toyed with
or abandoned
depending on
who is left standing
when
the hyperbole flatlines
but
enough about him.
These people
come and go
speaking of those
they aspire to control.
I found
the dealer in antiquities
and his wife
with the tolerant smile
more
to my liking.
He said
what he meant
which
invited conversation
and
when the time came
then went
there had been
no attempt to
sell me anything.

5/3/2003

He says
the secret is
that
there are
no
strong men
or
beautiful women
and
you can
rest assured
if
you take that secret
to the grave
you have not
been deceived.
I catch his drift
and
am not willing
to quibble
about the rest
because
more concerned with
putting up
the small
elegant house
outside
the main house
a guest house
for evil spirits
who need
a place to stay
and
do not take kindly
to renunciation
but
are mollified
by this
small accommodation
a sign of respect
a courtesy
a wise decision
concerning those
like the poor
who are always
with us.

4/27/2003

Nearing the point
of no return
where
new life begins
and
old life ends
I awake one morning
and
for no good reason
as I
ease out of bed
find my back
is broken
from the strain
I imagine
of
just getting close
to
what is going
to happen.
I grunt and groan
involuntarily
as I bend
and slip
my pants on
carefully
then squat
flat footed
to ease the break
standing up slowly
to discover
the fix didn’t take.
I walk
gingerly around
like a
much older hobbler
than I am
aware of ferocity
with
especially strong jaws
snapping at me
from
every direction
simultaneously
while my ability
to fight back
is seriously curtailed
which
may be the point
because
this fight for survival
will not be won
in the world of
the body
that will suffer
and recover
or not
but in dreams
and fantasies
insights and rights
insisted on.

4/24/2003

Struggle
long enough
and the danger
becomes real
that is all
you are good for
freedom and grace
should you gain them
attainments
that would defeat you.
I remember a friend
who liked
the high desert
the scrub and space
mountains
in the distance
peace and quiet
the wind
a whistle.
He walked
out of my life
one day
without warning.
I think of him
now and then
with no interest
in forgetting
how good it was
when we talked
every day
but
like the life
I made
after
he went away.
I no longer
look back
as much as
I did
having packed up
and
brought with me
all that I need.
What is behind me
still there
marks places
I have been
but
won’t go again.
I stick to routines now
for
getting certain things done
which works very well
leaving time every day
for
some new creation.
Not an optimist
nor pessimist
I am preoccupied
with living
and disintegration
knowing the difference
between
what I do
and devastation.

4/21/2003

We
weather centuries
and
ages of man
one day at a time
picking up
after each other
alternately
too important
to be bothered
by the detritus
we leave behind
and
no worse than
anyone else
doing their best.
Perfection
is inconsiderate
but
a little respect
for effort that
gets us
into the black
is not
a bad ambition.

4/18/2003

The invisible man
a
solid manifestation
of fantasy
and experimentation
is not to be
toyed with.
He goes
where he wants
untroubled
by those
who would hound him
if they knew
he was there
and is
the welcome lover
of
numerous women
who are certain
he looks like
the man
they imagine.
Those with
little to hide
enjoy his confidence
while others wonder
what
he is up to.
His laughter
in broad daylight
when there is
nothing to see
inspires
nervous reactions
in
everyone present
for
a burnished appearance
is no assurance
anyone’s secrets
are safe.
He has
a sense of humor
of course
having seen what
he has
when
no one suspects
but
rarely exploits
this advantage
though not above
a practical joke
now and then.
He is well aware
in spite of his
conspicuous eccentricity
that
his days are
as numbered as
everyone else’s.
He is a surprise
of course
when he
makes himself known
and is often willing
without much ado
to autograph objects
for
adoring fans
signing simply as
the invisible man.

4/17/2003

She
snakes around
in her
hand painted
body suit
an amazing
work of art
insisting
I pay attention
daring me
to look
but not touch
if
I know what
is good for me
and
I must get
the message
for though
my hands tremble
and
my palms itch
I keep them
to myself
instead of
reaching for
what is tempting
but at present
off limits.

4/15/2003

She
started to laugh
stopped
and flung herself
into his arms
self defense
protection against
a misunderstanding
in ascension
catching people
unaware
without respect
for age
race
color or gender
weakness
strength
or generous amounts
of legal tender
taking down everyone.
She
held him close
and sighed
not sure why
he might have
misunderstood
what had
tickled her mind
but
with epidemics
one cannot be
too careful
for
even laughter
can be
a victim of
collateral damage.

4/14/2003

She
thundered by
in the dark
brushing my side
deliberately.
I reached up
without thinking
wrapped my hand
in her mane
and
without looking
swung up
onto her back.
She carried me
along
over
the lead gray
hardscrabble plain
taking me away
faster than
I could have
gotten out of there
on my own.
I buried my face
in her neck
and
held tight
through the night
until
we arrived at
a newly lit day.
Thank you
I whispered
in appreciation
as I
slid to the ground.
She kept running
as I stood watching
until
she was
out of sight.

4/12/2007

I have
heard about
this
kingdom of heaven
everywhere on earth
but unseen
except by
children
and those
who become like them
which exceeds
the reach
it seems
of many
kings and queens.
I wonder about
this place
what is there
and
which
childlike qualities
have to be emulated
to gain entry
for
a look around.
No one says
it is a prison
that
once admitted
you cannot leave
so
I have decided
it is worth
a look
to see if
it is all
it is
cracked up to be
which is where
the children
who apparently
hold the key
come in.
They are curious
and
ask many questions
which is something
we have in common
but
small too
and
easily injured
inside and out.
I have taken
some hits
I don’t mind admitting
that if
I had seen them coming
I would have
stepped aside for.
I could say
children
are innocent
which
in a manner
of speaking
they are
but ignorant
or inexperienced
may be closer
to the mark
again
much like myself
unfortunately
though I have
been around the block
often enough
to know what
the neighborhood
looks like
who lives where
and
something about
what each neighbor
is up to.
Children have
more energy
than I will ever
have again
and
most feel eternal
no matter what
they say
to the contrary
but
since there is
no way
I can
ever be
like that again
those cannot be
the childlike qualities
that
are indispensable.
If I
already have
what it takes
am like a child
in the requisite ways
then the key to
that other dimension
is already
in my hand
and
what I must do
is
give it a twist
in my imagination
for the door
in reality
to swing wide open.

4/10/2003

I drew a line
on the high
wide wall
with a big
flat brush
full of rust
red paint
or a color
close to it
several feet long
and at least
a foot wide
then another
in black
longer and wider
with a third
in aqua
the color of
Mediterranean agua
wider than longer
and more
after that
in those colors only
on a wall
at first white
but not any more
some lines
going up
and down
others across
intersecting
overlapping
barely touching
rarely
standing alone
all in some way
connected
feeding one another
through
rough threads
dark in color
a scrap work puzzle
full throttle generator
lighting up the town
for miles around
what I did
with the lines
and colors I found.

4/8/2003

If the world
were not breathing
down my neck
this might be
the best of times
all systems go
but
how can anyone
stand up to
everything that
lurks and preys
waiting to
snatch it away
if you
take more than
someone thinks
is
your fair share
of air?
I inhale deeply
free will and fate
openly conjugal.
If they are going
to get me
I am going
with
my lungs full.

4/1/2003

Everything
he said about
the human race
was true
his understanding
of motivations
astute
with nothing left
when
all was said
but
a complex of interactions
discernible
and manipulatable
by anyone paying
close attention.
Predictable
as we are
however
there is more
going on
than
a basket of snakes
released in a crowd.
Even if love
is
out of the question
something for
another meditation
there is
a hard nut
of mystery
that can
pique curiosity
buried deeper
in some
than others
but
irremovably there
occasionally revealing
that
more than formula
orchestrates
each of us.

3/30/2003

Having the mind
of
a rapacious
adolescent boy
without the patience
to equate
the next day
with tomorrow
he had to have
what he wanted
now
or not at all.
Complexity
was sorted
with a sword
that denied
every hitch and twist
was a life
not just an impediment
to the acquisition
of everything on
his wish list.
It was inevitable
after extensive conquests
that
he die young.
When there was
no more to take
life was
no longer fun.

3/29/2003

The sun came up
again today
except for those
blown away
in the war
down the street
brought to us
by
pull the wool
over your eyes
if you don’t like
what you see
the new reality show
that makes it possible
for you to
end up dead
no matter what part
you play.
You can
get down on
your knees
and wail over
the torn open bodies
of family and friends
or
find yourself eliminated
by those
posing as the civilians
you are there
to liberate
your life back home
going up in smoke
while those
in the driver’s seat
intone soulfully
in the distance
about sacrifices
of every type
virgins
one and all
that must be made
for a chance
in the
prime time war
to become a star.

3/24/2003

Slept
through the night
waking
half an hour
before
the alarm went off.
Mid morning
thought
I might be
coming down
with something
but decided
it was
hyper thought
coming to a stop
creating
a dazed condition
in which intermittent
auditory transmissions
from birds
and passersby
disoriented me
in daylight
so bright
it caused me
to narrow my eyes
and
momentarily wish
the generator
hadn’t quit.
Tried
to walk off
the bedazzling
with
only partial success.
I left the office
thinking
what I needed
was
more exercise
but
got home
and
went to bed instead
where I slept
as if
nothing else
were possible.
It is
what happens next
and when
I must
sleep walk toward
that
unnerves me.

3/22/2003

Still unable
to turn lead
into gold
dead weight
into
peace of mind
and freedom from
backbreaking toil.
Close enough that
each effort promises
to balance method
with
what is spontaneous
without which
life is unmoving
or chaos.
More discovery
seems to be
in order
surprising turns taken
arrived at
by intention
given the slip
when
least expected.
It
may be time
to get out
of the lab
and into
the great outdoors.

3/15/2003

Got out of bed
again today
dressed
and went off
to meet with
friends.
We sat
and talked
for hours.
Two of us
stood in the sun
after the third
had gone
talking longer
before
we said farewell
until
the next time
we
get out of bed
to meet with
one another.
I came home
said hello
to the cats
and my daughter
when she arrived
then
took a nap
depleted by
the recent arrival
of a
mysterious presence
still saying nothing
about
who he is
or
what he wants
though intimating
we must not
lose touch
even for a minute.

3/11/2003

Long after
I made my feelings
clear to her
we met to settle
a
small financial matter
and
say goodbye.
I would never
have left
without
saying goodbye
and
she was not
the reason
I was leaving.
We took care
of business
and then
she looked at me
unexpectedly
in a new light
as if nothing
stood between us
which
led to kisses
and
a lengthy interlude
so satisfying that
I wondered
when we
said goodbye
unable
to keep our hands
off one another
if
the need to go
was
a foregone conclusion
as there seemed
no where else
with no one else
I would rather be
than here
touching her
but
we behaved
as if
this parting was
an
inevitable sorrow.
How
I wondered
as I drove away
could anything
be so certain
and seem
so questionable?
I didn’t know
if
I would ever
see her again
and
would rather not
live on
without her
but
suppose I will.

3/7/2003

The quiet is
palpable
the rhythmic clicking
of the clock
as the second hand
skips
around the block
the only sound
until
the refrigerator generator
chimes in
a symphonic prelude
to
taking action on
the list
of things to do
after
a short break
to breathe
without fear
of decisions
being made
elsewhere
to rend and tear
for reasons
that have always
moved the race
to self disgrace
while denying
any such thing
the dumbfounded
lined up again
behind leaders
without
a second to spare
for the clues
that indict them.
The cat
laps
at the water
in the bowl
the generator cuts out
but the clock
stops
for no one.

3/4/2003

I
passed myself
at the crossroads
said
my final goodbyes
gave my blessing
to the me
who passed on
but
did not die.
He will always
be with me
wherever I go
but
after meeting
at the crossroads
there is no longer
any need to know
why
what happened
had the effect
it did
when
no one else
who was there
saw a thing.
What I saw
happened
of that
I have no doubt
an easing of mind
that makes death
take
one step back.

3/3/2003

The
house of cards
is falling
on those
who played
and those
who stayed
to watch
and though
I am affected
there is this calm
I am tempted
to examine
until
it falls apart.
I
have been deluded
and
will be again
but because
a moment’s calm
is
not too much
to leave alone
until it disappears
on it’s own
I will pass
on the temptation
to deconstruct.

3/1/2003

She
plays the piano
and
warms up her voice
while I
read and write
sometimes listening
other times
overhearing
between the lines
excerpts from our lives
affirming
what has come before
fortifying us
for the future
over which
even what is
left
in human hands
is
beyond our control.
We create
and recreate
ourselves
and each bit
of world
within reach
this expenditure
of being
in time
our sacrifice
the best
we can do.

2/27/2003

I
overheard a man
full of dismay
talking to friends
just the other day
heart broken tears
rolling down
his cheeks
in a public place.
He woke up
he said
having ruthlessly
made up his mind
while simultaneously
forgiving himself
for deciding
to leave
the human race
behind.
Anyone
who wants to
join me
is welcome
he said
but
he wasn’t expecting
much company
having seen that
most people
are following
the star
of those
fundamentally pleased
with all
they have failed
to become.
He never
liked crowds
anyway
he said
under his breath.
I listened
with sympathy
went home afterward
and
climbed into bed
to sleep
hoping to wake
headed for
a better place.

2/22/2003

They came
and got me
in the night
while
I was sleeping
took me away
tied me up
and
kept me there
long after
I
pissed and shit
all over myself
using some dossier
carefully put together
with the
salient details
for seeking out
through weaknesses
I thought
no one knew about
my will to live
they did their
skillful best
to
rip the thing
from its mooring.
Though deeply hurt
they failed
to convince me
I would be
better off dead.
Disgusted
with their failure
they put me back
where
they found me
fouled and forlorn
to sleep it off
if I could.

2/17/2003

Penelope
sat down
at a table
across town
where
they were serving
a dish
she found
not to her liking
but
because
she had been taught
to eat what was
put on her plate
she
dutifully swallowed
every mouthful
even though
it didn’t seem right
to eat
the strange stuff
ordered
by someone else
and
set before her
without her consent
which is why
she decided
touching her lips
with her napkin
that
enough is enough
and
if this
ever happens again
she will
excuse herself
refusing
politely
the feast
someone prepared
but not
to her taste.

2/9/2003

I
hook my arm
around the elusive
as
she slips by
but
cannot hold on
don’t know
what
made me try.
Putting my ear
to the ground
I hear her
quick
light steps
as she
runs circles
around me
staying
close enough
for me to guess
she isn’t
going anywhere.
I
sit down
make myself at home
humming a tune
that satisfies my need
for music
while I wait.

2/2/2003

Several of us
went
to the movies
seeing there
what
it is like
to live in
a land
where
cynicism thrives
the work of
rapacious leaders
pleased with
what
they have wrought
put into place
by a populace
too gullible
to recognize
blatant avarice.
One
gullible character
struggles toward integrity
but is tragically
or pathetically
used
and cast off.
A composition
of life in decay
full of riotous energy
singing and dancing
while all rots away.
We
tried to find
a coffee shop
after the movie
a place to
sit and talk
as if
still in Paris
but
the town was
zipped tight
so we
called it a night
and returned
to our huts.

1/22/2003

A fight
broke out
the papers said
and
one person is dead.
It could
have been worse
authorities say
though
it is hard
to see how
when he was
the only one
of his kind.
He looked
a little different
than
everyone else
but
with only one head
two arms
two legs
walking upright
it was
difficult to say
what set
the fifty other
five year old
boys and girls
against him.
Surely
the color of his skin
no darker
than their own
could not be
the reason
for his elimination
but
the investigating officers
said
we cannot yet
rule out
any explanation
for
his untimely end.

1/18/2003

God
is not
a nice guy
nor
gender specific
but
like most of us
has his moments.
We all know
people
like that
who do almost
as much harm
as good
God
at work
in
his own image
struggling
with the role
of reflecting
something
greater than
itself.
There is
no end
to this
regardless of
who
thinks whom
has died
though
having sailed
into
the rough waters
of
diminished recognition
there is
a terrifying
rudderless feel
in the lifeboat.
If
we do not
go overboard
or eat
one another
alive
we may get
a clearer
more useful look
at
who we are
that
we have to
make do with.

1/15/2003

The sun
came out
after
a long enough
absence
and
I easily found
a place
to park
much nearer
to where
I was going
than could be
expected.
People
whose help
I needed
remembered
my name
and
were glad
to see me.
A number
of tasks
that
should have been
difficult
were not.
I finished early
forgot one thing
that
has to get done
and
can easily
tend to that
tomorrow.
A fine respite
under
threat of war
and
in the face of
other
devastating forms
of rage
for which
I am grateful.

1/14/2003

Though
money back
was the inducement
for buying
what
he bought
from the company
he never got a cent
their promise
paying instead
for the creation of
a mighty menu tree
with enough
false leads
and dead ends
to dissuade you
from holding on
long enough
to reach
the human being
who would put you
on hold
until you slipped
unnoticed
into history
deliberately chosen
for this purpose.
He has not
lost hope
though
he cannot imagine
where
something better
is going
to come from
when
we continue to insist
this is business
as it
should be done
things
not yet bad enough
to scuttle
that party line
with
no further reservations.
First exchange
of the day
variations cropping up
of their own accord
in other conversations
before nightfall
each failing
to arrive at
any solution
but hope.

1/13/2003

I was careful
not to blow
my cover
taking care of
business
as if that
was
the only thing
that mattered
watching everyone
as they
came and went
without being seen
everyone acting
as if
they had
nothing to hide
no one
giving themselves away
which meant
I would have to
pick up tomorrow
where
I left off today
these things
taking time
success
dependent on diligence
and perseverance
for there
will be clues.
I will get to
the bottom of things
because
that is
what I do.

1/11/2003

There is
nothing good
about
the necessity
for this withdrawal
beyond its reputation
as
the mother of invention.
Bled dry
of incentive
though once
self generating
now spent
not squandered
I hope
nothing left
for anyone
to fight over
which may be
the saving grace
of
this expenditure
becoming something
in this world
no one is ready
to kill
or die for.

1/10/2003

Sat down
stared at the fire
looked away
looked back
closed my eyes
opened them
television off
no music
book closed
nothing
in my hand
or
up my sleeve
having arrived
at the end
of pretense
unable
to convince myself
anything I do
matters
in a world
renouncing
its best efforts
I gave up
keeping busy
for the sake
of appearances
and
took a seat
at
the great tumble
promising myself
I would get up
to vote
but that was all
anyone
should expect of me.

12/3/2002

I walk
this way
and that
then
double back
across
my earlier path
going in
another direction
knowledgeable
concerning
my whereabouts
at all times
no offbeat path
taken
leading
God knows where.
I walk
those byways
one takes
in attending to
routine
and
when the work
is done
I leave it
all behind
forgotten
until
I pass that way
again.

11/30/2002

We wrestled
throughout time
and
left a mark
where
we had been
recording over
what was
there before
a spreading stain
upon the landscape
where
we were lovers.

11/27/2002

There is
something about
the importance
and unimportance
of those
who pretend
to be
who we
want them
to be
or who
we think
we want them
to be
for a living.
Though
doing
what they do
to meet our needs
is
a valuable service
for which
they should be
well compensated
they are
after all
hired hands
doing their part
not to be confused
with
who we are.

11/21/2002

He
swept into town
his broom
on his shoulder.
The circus
had left
its usual mess
and he was
brought in
to sweep clean
the big top
from top
to bottom.
He could be
seen from afar
as the sun
set behind him
making
as clean a sweep
as everyone wanted.
When the job
was over
he walked away
whistling
with the circus
cleaned up
no one
would miss him.
He had his pay
in his pocket
the amount
ample
the day's work
just a sample.
There are circuses
everywhere
that need
cleaning up after
and though
no one misses him
when he is gone
they all know
how to reach him
when the circus
leaves town.

11/13/2002

The images
came
in
quick succession
the dealer
sailing cards
into
my place
at the table
face up
one
overlapping another
each
with its story
altogether
a cast
of characters
places
situations
interactions
in
a world
of their own
begging
to be understood
and
completely indifferent
before
I even
get
out of the house
the first hand
of the day
is
already dealt.

11/12/2002

Man found
dazed
walking
the streets
in what
appeared to be
fresh
fall weather
following
wind and rain
but
like every breath
we breathe
every bite
we eat
every sip
we take
is polluted
farm raised fish
swimming in
their own shit.
Nevertheless
comparatively speaking
a beautiful day
and the man
though
no beauty
had his wits
somewhere
about him
in one of
many pockets
momentarily
eluding him
no cause
for alarm
the only danger
myriad predators
lusting
after stragglers
dumbstruck by
sensory overload.
I wished him
well
all
I had to give
and turned to
the next page.

10/12/2002

It was good
to see him
again
to talk about
what was
on my mind
dreaming
and awake
about
learning to live
in a country
outside conventions
identified with
the place where
it all began
free
at last
to live
and die
like Vishnu
making up
the universe.

10/4/2002

Another mind
staggers
and falls.
People
distant
unarmed
and unaware
become bodies
slumping
to the ground
as bullets
from afar
snap off
their lives.
Responses
predictable as
headlines
fail
to address
the many faces
of
human frailty
assuring
a recurrence
tomorrow
the next day
the day after.
Because
hard labor
will not break
the lease
ignorance has
on the race
the killing
will continue.