4/25/2004

When
I said
I was sorry
that
I could not be
the person
you
wanted me
to be
my apology
was sincere
for
I saw
how
deeply disappointed
you were
but
did not mean
in returning
the
ring of keys
I had
on loan
to
make you regret
I had ever
been born
and hope
you will
be able to
forgive me
some day.

4/24/2004

When
a contract
the party
of
the first part
and
the party of
the second part
enter into
detailing expectations
each
can depend on
the other
living up to
fails
because
some ill will
one party
has concealed from
him or herself
that pre-dates
the arrangement
entered into
is revealed
at last
a consequence of
one party's
continuing proximity
to the other
then
the conviction
that
good faith
was ever the basis
for a creation
of the future
must be suspect.

4/23/2004

When she walked
into the room
and saw me
stretched out
on the bed
an open book
face down
across my thighs
she asked if
I had
gotten to heaven
yet
as if
only a matter
of time
which
it is
but
looking at
all the sights
in
a living hell
where hope
of ever leaving
certain bitterness
behind
is a tragedy
all its own
is enough
to make
time stand still
even when
you are
on the move.

4/22/2004

The strain
on the faces
of everyone
I love
all of whom
appear
out of nowhere
at the same gathering
is
a painful sight
the effort
to put
what they feel
for one another
into words
that change
of
their own volition
into utterances
twisted
and untrue
as they pass though
each person’s lips
the language of love
running aground
causing me
to cry out for
my long-eared
sure-footed jackass
who has no interest
in how unfair
life can be
his only concern
how to
high step through
the rock slide
between himself
and where
he is bound.

4/21/2004

She
came through the door
after
a long day
riding the range
wanting to
tell me about
every grueling detail
which
as I was
slipping into bed
after an eroding day
of my own
was more than
I could listen to
an unfortunate situation
that
left us to
our own devices
for
getting through the night.

4/20/2004

Sitting together
on
the edge of
the bed
I feel
more compelled than
unwilling
to tell her
that
much as
I love her
and
good as she is
for my heart
I think
I do not love her
as much as
she wants
and deserves
the faint smile
configuring her face
all she says
when
to my surprise
she
does not get up
and walk out
which
sets me back
for
while I would like
to know
what is
going to happen
I think I
have said enough
for the moment.

4/17/2004

Though difficult
and shot through
with misgivings
I must have
done right
by myself
giving up
pick and shovel
that vein played out
for now
even though
my surrender is
incomplete
my reservations
requiring satisfaction
one happy woman
after another
slips into
and out of
my bed
throughout the night
each
showing her appreciation
for
what I have done
no terms uncertain.

4/16/2004

Waiting in line
with my daughter
and
many more than
ten thousand others
I am crowded
from behind
by
a tough little man
who refuses to
back off
when I ask him
and while
I might be able to
whip his ass
fighting
will cost us
our place in line
so
I hurry ahead
the few feet
between us
and everyone
ahead of us
finally reaching
the many tables
where
the serving women
are
short tempered
and weary from
feeding
a multitude of needs
but
when they discover
though
we have waited
our turn
that I parked
in the wrong place
they say
when
I should have
known better
because
everything was
clearly marked
though I saw nothing
that told me
I was in
the wrong place
and while
no one else
has been singled out
they bicker about
whether or not
they should give us
anything to eat
and
seeing that
getting angry is useless
and
having my pride
is useless
and
on the edge
of being humiliated
in the eyes
of my daughter
I am torn
between being
hopelessly frustrated
and making liberal use
of my intelligence
cunning
and awareness of
where I am
and
what I must do
to get
my needs met
a situation that
should be a no brainer
putting this place
behind me
forever
my ambition
not
pretending to be
better than I am
when
all quibbles aside
it is our turn.

4/15/2004

I wait for myself
at the gate
where we
agreed to meet
but
though the sky
is clear
the stars bright
and the night
warm
it is
long past midnight
I am
nowhere in sight
with no word
explaining
my failure to appear
making me wonder
what
could have happened
to myself
one of
the most reliable people
I know.

4/12/2004

A song
I know
by heart
plays repeatedly
in my head
but
rather than do
what I can
to dislodge it
I listen
to each performance
like a secret
whispered around
until the words
to
what is familiar
change into something
no one
ever heard
before
a new song
its time
having come.

4/11/2004

The old man's
hand
never wobbled
as he drew
one line after another
into
a variety
of human shapes
most of whom
could not be bothered
with clothing
several
making me laugh
clearly
what he intended
sitting
with his back to
a landscape
of water
cascading down
a long mountain face
passing by
a lone twisted tree
its leaves
visible in detail
even from this distance
all surfacing
from a place
without
discernible definition
by anyone
to assume
close
working relationships
with everything
that arrived here
before them.

4/7/2004

Looking
into the eyes
of a survivor
you see that
one eye
is shaped by
all
they have suffered
while
the other reflects
a degree of perspective
and
doing the math
you discover
the ratio between
extinction
and the refusal
to believe
one must die
before one's time
the difference
genetics
geography
and convictions.

4/6/2004

It is
a pain
in the ass
after
bringing a creation
to life
to have it go
wandering off
after
who knows what
destiny
when I had
plans
for the creature
but
even when achieving
a desired end
there is always
the discovery of
something overlooked
next to
the feeling finally
of completion
a responsibility
come to an end
on a job
done well
allowing for
a comprehensive peace
and
an eternal moment
to look around
though disturbing
the vastness of aftermath
a recognition
I may never
get used to.

4/4/2004

Having been confined
to a room with
most of the amenities
by a need
whose authority I recognize
and not allowed
to come out
until I have resolved
certain contradictions
neither impossible
nor unfair
has led to a matter
I would rather not
look into
having
as it does
the face of those
I never want
or expect
to see again
but despite my reticence
inquiry cannot be avoided
the question
whether or not
or in what ways
I have betrayed
and to this day
continue to betray
myself.

3/31/2004

The end day
of a month
in which
every day
was an eternity
requiring
that consideration
due
the first
and last
of its kind
we will ever see
without forgetting
its assigned place
in the month
of
a particular year
in an age
of ages
in which the effort
to grasp
what can
never be grasped
is reluctantly ceded to
that which approaches
dropping hints
along the way
in relation to
what is needed
at any given moment
the exposition
the attire of life
in full dress
no rehearsal.

3/30/2004

They resemble Rodin's
Gates of Hell
with desperate souls
struggling to escape
a dark bronze surface
in which they
are forever imbedded
but these are paintings
and
while one large canvas
has a hole
in the middle
allowing the figure
in the painting
to move
from one side
of the canvas
to the other
in an effort
to escape the surface
others bulge
with the silhouettes
of figures
about to
burst the confines
of the medium
the artist has used
for bringing them
into being
which will happen
as soon as
some technical problems
are resolved
heightening the chemistry
between creation
and
a life of one's own.

3/17/2004

I remember
when a man
I knew
as a teenage boy
told me about
the wonderful friendships
he made
as a young man
that he thought
would last forever
and hadn’t
looking directly
into my eyes
his
full of
the lovely dying wife
he could not help
leaving him with
three young sons
they both adored
filling me with disbelief
the possibility
of my best friends
gone forever
one way or another
no longer there
when
I need someone
who
knows me well
to break my fall.

3/16/2004

I picked up
messages
for
several nights running
hugged my daughter
kissed her cheek
told her
I love her
and said goodnight
too
but then the messages
stopped coming
the sender satisfied
I
have to assume
that
what was intended
had been understood
a relief
because
not entirely sure
if
what I had heard
was
what had been said
even now
with all signs
pointing
in that direction.

3/12/2004

It is difficult
to recognize
when
a desirable opportunity
has come knocking
in a world
governed
not by
ways and means
for getting jobs done
that need doing
but by expedience
in which deception
is
the drug of choice
and
no life
human or other
is more important
than profit
so much beneath you
that
getting your hands
dirty
is not
what is at stake
the work
deciphering
with reasonable accuracy
whether
you are taking part
in the degradation
everywhere
mistaken for achievement
worth seeking
or
using it to fertilize
the life of
something better.

3/10/2004

Love comes
in all sizes
from undying
to part time
often enough
lasting
less than an hour
an endangered species
too precious
to be dismissed
without a glance
meaning
built in
apparent when
all else fails
and
the will to go on
continues
recalling
what was
and might be
again.

3/9/2004

Returning from
a pilgrimage
to the forest
in which
desperate
she lied to me
about
who she was
initiating a mystery
that invited resolution
and transformation
into the person
beneath
assorted appearances
she had always been
able at last
to settle down to
work
and a fitting life
I pass through
a venerable university
awareness of
the forgotten world
coming
back to me
finding there
put aside
the shirt
off my back
I was glad
I hadn't lost
removed
absentmindedly
when it
got too hot
my small pack
perhaps lost
disconcerting
losing one's belongings
though not
as I think about it
a serious loss
all roads leading
irrespective
of other circumstances
back to the place
from which I began
rested
and resting still
ready now
perhaps
knowing who I am
to recognize
what I find
for what it is.

3/6/2004

Accomplishments
easy to admire
famous
and well heeled
he is no one
you would want
to meet
a friend
who has known him
since childhood
told me
a warning
should the occasion
arise
I appreciate
for
it is not
always possible
to avoid
or even recognize
at first glance
those people
rich or poor
with or without
talent
who would
give you grief
just for
coming momentarily
into their lives.

3/5/2004

The tableau
is grim
with
naked bodies
sprawled
in the mud
as the sun
goes down
behind the backs
of those who
stand and sit
dressed in black
no one looking
at one another
the ghost
of actions
and convictions
past and present
presiding over
the gathering
with a future
none
would wish
on a nightmare
not
my life
with its own
travails
because
despite
wayward tendencies
developed early
I eked out
the conclusion
that mortality
is self sufficient
and
does not require
any help from me
making it possible
to pursue
another line of work
altogether.

3/3/2004

I
can't say
I understand
and though
it goes against
the grain
I am immersed
in keeping busy
an act of will
surrendering to
what has
the upper hand
attentive to
what breathes
and shifts
beneath the surface
not
an ounce of fat
compromising
its powerful muscles
but afraid
so many interests
opposed to
the realization of
a new order
that
I can't help
repeatedly
looking
at my watch.

3/2/2004

We wait for
the loved one
who
unexpectedly disappeared
without a trace
to reappear
hoping
she has
only been thoughtless
in
going about her business
without leaving word
that
she would be gone
longer than usual
but
each hour that passes
without her
brings us closer
to the conclusion
we will never
see her again.

2/24/2004

I understand
there is a position
if taken up
whether
in the 17th century
or somewhere else
that provides
a trustworthy perspective
on the hypocrisy
banality
and friends
always threatening
to
plow us under
revealing
a more fitting role
than that of
lead actor
but the map
I have borrowed
has been badly
roughed up
making it difficult
to follow
where it says
I
should be going.

2/21/2004

The grave quiet
after
a lifetime
of excitement
is
in part
disturbing
as if nothing
is happening
though
I can see
hear
smell
taste
and more clearly
recognize
the touch of
everything
than ever
before
heightening
my awareness
of the world
everywhere
around me
and the
keen brevity
of my time
among the living
which would
leave me cold
if the prospect
for joy
did not also seem
to be part
of
what is given.

2/20/2004

Life
hangs
in the balance
as illusions
we once lived by
and were prepared
to die for
reveal themselves
for
what they are
in time
it is hoped
to profit from
the revelation.

2/18/2004

Good dogs
Lancelot
Arthur
and the puppies
ran off
across the grass
and
into the woods
with a purpose
that was beyond me
while I
though forewarned
that prejudice
was at work
on the path
between the trees
a possibility
hard to believe
found out first hand
it was true
requiring a change
in consciousness
and resourcefulness
to get past the obstacles
this created
after which
I called the man
who told me
to watch out
where
I was going
interrupting a conversation
between
he and his wife
to let him know
he was right
his response
low rumbling
age old
good natured
black laughter.

2/16/2004

With
no desire
but to stare
into space
in my dreams
I go
relentlessly over
details
that need to be
taken care of
and are
I fear
in danger
of being forgotten
or overlooked
though
so many able people
are involved
the concern seems
unrealistic
which is why
on rising
despite
tossing and turning
for
too much of the time
I
should have been
sound asleep
I sit
eyes wide
doing nothing
neither waiting
nor plotting
only
somewhat disconcertingly
at peace with
not being busy.

2/12/2004

I
have time
still
to do what
needs to be
done
I can see that
assuming
I am not
unexpectedly
maimed
or obliterated
by the fallout
from fortune
gone bad
always a possibility
but
if not already
making
the best use
of my time
to take care of
what needs attention
which is my intention
then
I can’t help
wondering
as the problem
still lacks
a fully realized
solution
what else
I should be doing
the only answer
forthcoming
I don’t know
a cause for anxiety
I can only hope
is baseless fear
getting in the way
of what is otherwise
going well.

2/11/2004

I
wrap my arms
around my chest
covering my heart
protectively
something
having died there
leaving me bereft
not knowing
who
or what
has gone
or why
a terrible loss
or
for the best.

2/5/2004

I asked her
if she could
see her way
clear
to
a demonstration
of generosity
nothing
she felt
would compromise her
not
my intention
nor desire
hidden
or otherwise
but
I would be grateful
if
she favored me
I said
if
it pleased her
which
it seemed to
allowing me to relax
a little
having someone
like her
on my side.

2/4/2004

When
the weather
that had
locked me in
for months
gave way
to
sun and warmth
I shut the door
behind me
and
went for
a long walk
down
one city street
meeting up with
another
until I saw
the handwriting
on the wall
across the street
not
all at once
the first words
now
is your chance
then
as I kept walking
taking in
what I had seen
if
you can
leave the crowd
behind
finishing
as I
came to it
with
you are ready
and
though I
got the message
I was
afraid of being
presumptuous
having to ask
are you
talking to me
but
the message
having been delivered
no one bothered
to answer.

2/3/2004

That
the smoking gun
lay
a few feet
from
his outstretched hand
when he
left for dead
regained consciousness
soaked through
from lying
face down
in the rain
on the asphalt street
throughout the night
did not look good
for his innocence
but
he remembered everything
that happened
and
it would not be
his fingerprints
on the gun
he knew
they would find
what
he would tell
the detective
kneeling
next to him
an old friend
who would not
think it likely
he had shot
anybody
possibly
an unwarranted concern
as there was
no body
or blood
at the scene
though
something violent
it seemed
had taken place
requiring an explanation
the man
standing up
was ready to give.

1/26/2004

Chance of
rain
by evening
they said
on the news
when
the alarm
went off
putting
and end to
my
hour long hearing
with
a clutch of
fears
insisting on
an audience
in which
I was obliged
to acknowledge
the legitimacy
of their claims
without succumbing
to the proposition
that I should
settle down
with them
for
a lifetime of
wedded bliss.

1/25/2004

I watch
and endure
the destruction
of everything
whose time
has come
the work
of the wrecking crew
occasionally blessed
struggling
neither to philosophize
nor criticize
my fear
of the transition
shot through with
the creation of
what is needed
even more than
what is being
taken away
as I
look on.

1/16/2004

Having
let her hair
down
at last
freed her
in ways
she hadn’t
imagined
though
she would
live and die
in the town
where
she was born
not once
venturing beyond
the city’s limits
relief from
certain longings
a consequence
of realizing
gratification
would never be
possible
less sad
than true.

1/10/2004

When
I arrived at
the summit
meeting
no women
were present.
Werewolves
vampires
elves
others
and humans
not a slut
sweetheart
mother
sister
daughter
single woman
or mastermind
among them.
I knew
we were in trouble
nothing needed
possible
and left
before
anyone present
discovered my disgust
necessitating
my removal
so
like minds
could
get on with
why
they had gathered
the soul
of the world
sundered
before the gavel fell.

1/4/2004

The hound
looking around
bares his teeth
and growls
ready to snap
at all those
taking too long
to die
but doesn’t
aware that
when
his time comes
he intends
to take it
and
of all the possible
complications
he hopes
at least to avoid
in his final days
getting bit on the ass
by the golden rule.

1/2/2004

The camera
zooms in
for a close-up
magnifying
the already big
onscreen face
until
large enough
to scrutinize
every facet
imbedded with
feelings
thoughts
motivations
intentions
beauty
and singularity
masking the vessel
into which
we pour ourselves
finding form
for unacceptable secrets
when ours alone.

12/29/2003

They drove
as always
Lookout
at the wheel
Business
in the back seat
talking
mostly to himself
but loud enough
for Lookout
whom he trusted
with his life
to hear
what was necessary
while concentrating
on his priority
getting both men
to their destination
by the appointed hour
for Business
to hold forth
on what was paid for.
Each man
had come to
respect the other
for his part
in what
they did together
though
it had taken years
each at times
frustrated beyond bearing
before realizing
who they were
and
what had to be done
that would make them
forever inseparable
more like one
than two.

12/26/2003

We have
lost touch with
God
in part
because
we regard dreams
as a variety
of the unreal
or detritus
instead of a medium
for the voice
we have been praying
would take notice
and
acting otherwise
requires that understanding
called interpretation
an effort
not to be
underestimated
because
integrity
a prerequisite
cannot be faked
repugnant as that is
and
who can be bothered?